Grandma, We Love You
A room in the crematorium. There is a lectern and two rows of chairs arranged facing the lectern. There are a couple of vases of flowers around the stage. As the lights come up, GRANDMA is surveying the room. She crosses to the flowers and sniffs disapprovingly.
GRANDMA: Oh, honestly. Either these flowers are artificial or I’ve totally lost the ability to smell.
I mean, artificial flowers for a funeral! I can just imagine it in that bloody vestry. “Oh, she’s dead, Margaret, she’ll never notice. Save the rhododendrons for Sunday!” (
Maybe it’s such a sad day for the world, even the flowers couldn’t find the will to stay alive.
I mean, I suppose it’s better that these flowers look alive. You wouldn’t want to come in to someone’s funeral and see a load of wilting chrysanthemums and drooping marigolds.
Unless it was Charlie Dimmock’s. It would serve the bitch right. I’m sick of seeing re-runs of her droopy marigolds.
No organ, I see. So it’s the piped music for us, then. Honestly, it’s embarrassing. We had it at our Renee’s funeral. I’m sorry, I don’t care how evangelical you’ve become in your twilight years, watching twenty-five old age pensioners clapping along out of time to ‘Shine Jesus Shine’ is unbecoming for a funeral service. And then the CD kept skipping in Jerusalem. (She sings) “And was Je-ru-salem builded here, among those dark satanic… satanic… satanic…” Oh well, at least she kept both sides happy, I suppose.
I don’t know what music they’ve chosen today. I hope it’s something a bit uplifting. I know it’s a funeral, I know it’s sad, but it’s happy as well, right? I mean, nobody really wants to carry on into their nineties with overflowing bladders and leaky bowels. Honestly, it’s awful, you can’t eat anything, it’s just running out of you like you’re a human liquidizer for Marks and Spencer’s ready meals…
Anyway, I digress. So with the music, it really depends whether it’s Veronica or Sharon choosing. Now, if Veronica’s in charge of music, then it will be something appropriately dirge-like and vaguely religious, and if it’s Sharon… No, it won’t be Sharon.
Well, at least we’re on first this morning. There was a terrible mix-up once when someone went out to the lovely disco ballad ‘Hold Back The Night’ by the Trammps. It’s a beautiful choice, really.
Only trouble was, it was on a CD and they were running a bit late, so they rushed the next service in without checking the music had switched off. That poor bugger, having his funeral service starting with The Trammps singing ‘Burn Baby Burn, Disco Inferno’…
The vicar enters. She goes to the lectern and places the service sheet on it.
(to the vicar) Good morning!
I’ll sit down here. I don’t want to be a nuisance.
The vicar looks round, and exits to the back of the room.
Bit rude.
She sits down on one of the chairs on the aisle and turns her head to face the audience.
Mind you, is it a bit rude to be early for your own funeral?
Now, I should explain, I have no idea what is going on. I mean, I’ve been thinking for the last few years, “one of these days, Daisy, you’re going to wake up and you’ll be dead.” And guess what? I did and I was.
Now, I don’t know what’s going on at all. It’s typical of life that, isn’t it?
Well, typical of death, I should say. I mean, there’s no announcement or anything. “I’m sorry, your soul can not be taken at the moment, but please hold your consciousness and an angel will be with you as soon as possible…”
So I’ve just turned up here. Oh well, I suppose it makes sense. The one time in your life that everyone has to be nice to you, you might as well be around to see it.
The whole family crying. Snotty tissues. Smudged mascara. Oh dear God, I hope Veronica hasn’t overdone the make-up. Her face’ll look like a three year old’s first painting. She should have kept that horrible painting that Lewis did of her at school. “Well, to be honest, Lewis, I thought it was a poor effort even for a playschool child, but now I’ve seen her, I can really see the resemblance to Mummy. Congratulations, here’s your scholarship to Art College.”
“I’m sorry, your soul is important to us and will be purged as soon as possible…”
It’s not going to be a big deal. I told the children that. David was all for a big funeral, but really, what’s the point? I mean, it doesn’t need to be all white horse and carriages like Jean Fitzpatrick had. We don’t all have to show off that we’re dead, do we?
No, a nice little family event. Just to remember and say, “Oh yes, Grandma wasn’t such a bad old stick, was she? Even if she did keep complaining about her bowels and passing wind at the dinner table.”
Oh, I know, I’m terrible. I just used to get bored of Veronica going on about how Lewis had just passed his Grade 3 Bass Recorder, or how Dominic had just uni-cycled naked through the Pyrenees whilst playing the oboe.
And then once you’ve got the grandchildren out of the way, it’s the great-grandchildren. “Oh look, who’s just learned how to use the potty?” Oh, let me guess, Karen? Is it Dominic? No. It’s Derek, and he’s not even my great-grandchild, he’s a sodding Chihuahua. Oh, I tell you, if she brings the Chihuahua today…
Oh, I know, I sound like such a bitter and horrible old woman. Well, I suppose I was, really. But it isn’t easy, leaving the house that you’ve lived in for fifty years and having to share your life with all these other people who keep asking you questions and feeding you cups of tea and being nice to you. Ugh.
I just wanted to be left alone. Just me and Ted, and the lake. (She points to her head) Up here.
Veronica and Sharon enter. They are both in their early 50s. Veronica is neatly dressed, Sharon less so. They clearly dislike each other intensely.
VERONICA: No, no, I can see exactly why Gary couldn’t make it. It would have been such a great struggle for him…
SHARON: Now, that’s not fair, Veronica. He would have been here if he could have. And he is only my ex-husband.
VERONICA: He’s not her ex-son-in-law though, is he? Anyway, he could have kept David company, and helped me give him a bit of support. I don’t know, I sometimes think I hold this whole family together…
They both busy themselves putting out the service sheets and arranging the artificial flowers.
GRANDMA: Oh, so Fat Gary hasn’t made it. Now, there’s a surprise. They would have needed a crane to remove him from that sofa. I shouldn’t think he’s been outside since about 1996.
VERONICA: I just think he could have made the effort, that’s all. She was his mother-in-law. She’s only my mother-in-law…
GRANDMA: Oh, here we go…
VERONICA: And I practically looked after her for those last three years. Well, on Sundays, anyway. She always came round for her Sunday lunch, she was such a character. I’m going to miss her so much…
Of course, I don’t suppose you’d seen her for a while, had you? Must have been a terrible shock.
Sharon makes to reply, but is interrupted by Lewis and Dominic entering.
SHARON: Oh, it’s the kids.
DOMINIC: Oh, come on, Auntie Sharon, we’re both in our twenties now!
Sharon kisses them both.
LEWIS: Don’t worry, mum still calls us that as well.
VERONICA: I think you’ll find that I use the word “children”, Lewis. And where are Dad and Karen?
LEWIS: They’re still outside. Karen’s having an argument with the Vicar about Derek.
VERONICA: Oh, for goodness’ sake. Go and tell them to hurry up, Dominic, would you?
DOMINIC: Fine.
Dominic exits.
LEWIS: Nice flowers, Mum.
VERONICA: Well, thank you. (she sighs) I’ve done my best with what I could find.
SHARON: And what made you think that I wasn’t involved with the flowers?
LEWIS: Well I thought, because they were for Gran…
Veronica snorts. Sharon looks a little upset.
LEWIS: Sorry, Auntie Sharon. I’ll just go and check where… Dad is.
Lewis exits sheepishly.
SHARON: Well, they do say that you can always tell a person’s personality from their flower-arranging. I wonder why you went for artificial?
Veronica stiffens. Sharon exits. Veronica continues arranging the flowers and straightening the chairs.
GRANDMA: Well, there you go. Happy Families.
You know, I really don’t know where it went wrong with Sharon. I mean, it’s easy to see where it went wrong with Veronica – she’s such a martyr. I would have loved to have spent more time with her and David, but it was just as if she was totting up every meal and every hour in some log book to show how worthy she was. So I used to play along. I reckoned that a burp scored 1, a fart scored 5 and a remark about how cooking in my day was better than hers scored a whopping great 10. On a good day, I could get into triple figures.
Veronica exits.
But Sharon… Ah, we used to be so close. I mean, she’s always been terrible with men. I used to get tired of trotting out “but he’s old enough to be your dad”, “but he’s young enough to be your son”, “but he’s fat enough to be your house”, etc., etc. And then a few months ago, she just stopped coming to see me. Just like that. We spoke on the phone sometimes, but it wasn’t the same. I mean, who’s too busy to visit their own mother when she only lives ten minutes away?
The vicar enters and dirgy church music starts to play.
Oh dear God, what’s this? This isn’t worship, it’s purgatory. You know, when I was in church as a little girl, we used to change the word ‘Lord’ to ‘bored’. It made a lot more sense. “Jesus is Bored”. I should think so as well, with that racket.
The family enters. David and Veronica; Dominic and Karen; Lewis; Sharon. The following dialogue happens over the music.
VERONICA (smiling sweetly over at Sharon whilst talking to David): I’m just saying that your sister should have more decorum. Calling me artificial on a day like today.
DAVID: Not today, love, please.
GRANDMA: Oh, if only the dead could fart, I’d wipe that smile off your face…
KAREN: I can’t believe they wouldn’t let a dog in!
LEWIS: You’re in, now, aren’t you?
GRANDMA: Yay! High five! (She realizes she can’t) Oh…
KAREN: Lewis! It’s silly, he would be as quiet as a mouse.
There is the sound of a dog howling.
Well’s that’s just because he misses his mummy…
DAVID: He’s not the only one.
KAREN: Oh, I’m sorry.
VERONICA (to DOMINIC): I’m not artificial, am I?
DOMINIC: Of course not, mum.
VERONICA (to DAVID): Oh, isn’t this music heavenly?
LEWIS: Well, if it is, it’s no wonder God’s always in such a bad mood.
GRANDMA: I just said that. You know, if it wasn’t for the fact that you’d been arrested for selling drugs to schoolkids, we’d be so similar.
Lewis has got up and sat in the row behind. Karen goes to him.
KAREN: What’s wrong, Lew?
LEWIS: It’s just… I shouldn’t be here.
KAREN: What do you mean?
GRANDMA: Yes, what do you mean?
LEWIS: I just feel like Gran wouldn’t want me here, if she knew...
GRANDMA: What? Of course I want you here, you’re my entertainment!
KAREN: Don’t be silly, Lew. Of course she would! You were her favourite.
GRANDMA: I don’t have favourites! OK, I do have favourites. I didn’t realize I was that transparent…
LEWIS: No I wasn’t. She loved Dom just as much.
GRANDMA: I suppose…
KAREN: You were her first grandchild, Lew. Just like Derek is my first baby.
GRANDMA: He’s not a baby, he’s a yapping carpet bag.
LEWIS: Yeah, but she never knew… All those afternoons I spent with her, and I couldn’t tell her.
KAREN: Oh, Lew, she would have still loved you.
GRANDMA: I did!
LEWIS: Yeah, well, I’ll never know now, will I? I should have told her. At least I would have known then.
GRANDMA: And after all these years, he still doesn’t trust his old grandma. He could have killed someone and I would have still loved him. Let’s face it, if he’d killed Veronica…
Veronica turns round and shushes Lewis and Karen. The music stops and the vicar begins the service.
VICAR: Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here today to commend our sister Daisy Agatha Jones to her final resting place.
GRANDMA: I’m not your sister. I’ve got better dress sense than that.
VICAR: I am the Reverend Hilary Askwhythe, and I will be leading the service this morning. Can I ask you to check that all your mobile phones are switched off before we begin? Thank you. We begin our service today with the hymn on your sheet, ‘Jesus is Lord’.
The introduction is heard, and then the family join in the rest of the hymn in rather lacklustre fashion.
GRANDMA: I should explain that even though Ted and I knew that Lewis had been in prison, it wasn’t because we had been told. Veronica swore David and the boys to secrecy, but naturally David told Sharon, and Sharon told me, so everybody knows, but nobody knows that everybody knows. Poor kid.
Veronica pretended to everyone that Lewis had taken a year abroad in Australia. The poor boy had to make up so much rubbish. Ted and I used to play innocent to it, asking him all sorts of questions. Apparently Lewis lived on a beach with a pet kangaroo, and for one hilarious afternoon, he demonstrated the accent that he had picked up by ending every other sentence with the word ‘Sport’.
The hymn finishes and everyone sits down.
VICAR: Daisy Agatha Jones was born on January 12th 1925 and grew up in the little Essex town of Loughton. (She pronounces it ‘Luffton’)
GRANDMA: It’s Loughton! Honestly, don’t you check these things? I bet you wouldn’t be very happy if I referred to you as the Reverend Hilarious Arsewipe, would you?
VICAR: She lived with her five brothers and had happy early memories of East End life, telling stories in her later years about dance bands, pianolas and visits to the theatre. However, her teenage years were dominated by the Second World War. Fortunately, the raids did not hit Loughton heavily, although Daisy does remember nights in the air raid shelters, and of course, one very particular event.
GRANDMA: The night they bombed our chip shop.
VICAR: It was in the air raid shelter that Daisy met the man that she was going to spend the rest of her life with.
The Vicar continues speaking, but we only hear Grandma.
GRANDMA: Ah, my Ted. That smile, with the twinkling eyes. He was so beautiful that night I met him. He still was, right up until he died, even when the arthritis was crippling him and he couldn’t even get up the stairs to the toilet.
I missed him so much these last three years. I mean, he never used to say much. He used to say that I did enough talking for both of us, which was fine because he did enough listening for both of us as well.
Do you know, I felt so angry with him when he died? Why couldn’t I have gone first? I missed him so much. I used to look out towards the lake and hope that one day he’d be walking back across the fields, even though he hadn’t walked anywhere for years. I remembered all the silly things we said. Like how I’d always wanted to windsurf like the young men did. He always said I would one day. Huh, one day.
I couldn’t get used to everyone else just carrying on without him. We had hardly been apart for nearly seventy years, and yet everyone was treating me as normal. Veronica was still inviting me around for Sunday dinners, and David would still take me out to do my shopping. And I felt like I was trapped in an endless loop of cups of tea, Countdown and Charlie Dimmock…
Sharon understood though. When I was with her, she did the things that Ted did. Listened and told me I was a silly fool, mostly. Told me I should go into the home when I got too bad, even though David and Veronica didn’t want me to. And then… just stopped visiting, like that. I don’t even know why.
She doesn’t care, that Daisy, she’d do self-pity at her own funeral just to get the attention.
VICAR: After Ted’s death, Daisy became more reclusive and moved into a retirement home in November 2011. Daisy died peacefully in her sleep on the 18th April 2012 after a short illness, leaving behind her son David and her daughter Sharon, and her two grandchildren, Lewis and Dominic.
Thank you, David, for writing that lovely speech. Veronica has now chosen our second hymn, which remembers Daisy’s lively side. ‘Shine Jesus Shine’.
GRANDMA: Oh, dear God…
The music starts and the family sing along unenthusiastically. Lewis doesn’t join in.
DOMINIC: Are you all right, mate?
LEWIS: No. She would have hated this.
GRANDMA: I do.
LEWIS: Why couldn’t we have just played some of her favourites? You know, the old songs?
GRANDMA: By which he means songs of the 1920s and 1930s. The number of hours I spent listening to him stumbling through ‘Ain’t Misbehaving’ on the piano. I mean, I was hardly born when that was written. Just because I’m old… I loved pop music. David was conceived to ‘Shake, Rattle and Roll’.
DOMINIC: Well, you know mum.
VERONICA turns and gives the boys a nasty look.
LEWIS: Oh, I’m out of here.
LEWIS starts to leave, but is stopped by SHARON, who leads him over to a spare seat next to her.
SHARON: If I have to pretend to like it, then so do you. (She joins in for a few bars) You know that Grandma knew, don’t you? About you being in prison.
GRANDMA: Well done, Sharon.
LEWIS: Yeah, of course. Grandad told me.
GRANDMA: Oh. Well. He didn’t tell me.
LEWIS: It was just before he died. He said him and Gran would always be proud of me.
GRANDMA: Well, there you are then.
SHARON: Well, there you are then. Your grandma loved you.
LEWIS: Yes, but she didn’t know. Nobody knows.
GRANDMA: (suspiciously) Nobody knows what?
SHARON: Nobody knows what?
GRANDMA: See what I mean. We were close, me and Sharon. We were close. So ask him again, come on.
SHARON: Maybe she didn’t need to know.
GRANDMA: You’re right, I probably didn’t.
SHARON: I mean, there’s plenty of stuff your mum doesn’t know about your dad. She would still love him though. Like the fact that David…
GRANDMA: Need to know, Sharon, need to know!
SHARON: No, you don’t need to know that. (Pause) You should just know that Grandma wouldn’t have wanted you to stay lonely, whatever you’ve done.
GRANDMA: Oh, Sharon...
The music stops.
VICAR: And now, it is time for us to prepare for our sister Daisy’s final departure.
GRANDMA: Makes me sound like a nun.
VICAR: Let us take a few moments to remember what Daisy meant to us, before we commend her spirit to God.
GRANDMA moves to LEWIS.
GRANDMA: You listen to your Auntie Sharon. Don’t you ever be lonely, not until you’ve found the right woman. Or man.
Lewis looks around, puzzled. After a moment, Sharon stumbles forward to the lectern.
SHARON: I’m sorry, could I…? I’m sorry, Veronica, I know you had the last piece of music planned, but please. (Veronica doesn’t take it) It was for the wake, but I think it fits better now. You know the song I mean, don’t you?
She takes a CD out of her handbag and holds it out to Veronica.
VERONICA: I don’t think that’s entirely appropriate…
LEWIS: Oh, stuff being appropriate, mum. What good does that do anyone?
SHARON: Please, Veronica. She was my mum too…
Veronica takes the CD to the back of the room.
SHARON: Mum, I know you’re still here. There’s so many things that I wish I had said to you whilst you were still here, Mum. And I’m sorry, I just couldn’t watch you…
GRANDMA: Oh, Sharon. (She goes towards her to hug her and then realizes she can’t)
David steps forward and hugs Sharon instead.
DAVID: Mum would have understood. Because my mum always understood. Mum, you had the best sense of humour. And I want you to know that we will never forget you, because we’ll always remember you and all the funny things you said and did. I know that Dad will be waiting for you, he will have been getting so bored up there with nobody to listen to. Maybe he’ll take you windsurfing.
The music plays. It is ‘Hold Back The Night’. Grandma looks proudly at her family.
GRANDMA: Oh… Well, that Daisy, she never thought she’d see the day she was lost for words. Not until…
The lights dim and there is the sound of the curtain mechanism.
GRANDMA: Nothing to this windsurfing lark. You just have to let go…
