The Perfect little Suburban Couple
By Bekah Lucking
A suburban family living room. Jenna, late 20’s and Len, just slightly older are sitting on a sofa. There is a round table with a floor length table cloth. One door leads through to the kitchen and the other to the hallway. There is a mantelpiece with three photo-frames and a birthday card.
(/ indicates an interruption)
Jenna: (lounging comfortably on the sofa) I’m scared of pictures of cartoon chickens.
Len: Of chickens?
Jenna: No, of pictures of cartoon chickens.
Len: Pictures of/chickens?
Jenna: Yes of chickens! Their eyes. I don’t like their eyes. I don’t mind real chickens. I quite like real chickens actually. They’re fine. I don’t mind pictures of real chickens. (gesturing to a can of lemonade on the table) Can I have this? (Len nods) That’s fine too. I don’t even really mind cartoons. I just don’t like pictures of cartoon chickens.
Len: (nods. Slightly weirded out ) Oh right. Er do you know why?
Jenna: I think it comes down to the time when, when I was a baby I got hit in the face (pause) by a picture of a cartoon chicken.
Len : genuine surprise You got hit, wait, / hang on.
Jenna: No I don’t know why! Obviously I recognize that it’s completely and utterly irrational…
Len: Right…
Jenna: …But like I mean it isn’t something that happens often enough that it poses a problem.
Len: yeah (trying not to laugh)
Jenna: But like when I do I just start... Stop it! Stop laughing!
Len: I’m sorry.
Jenna: You’re shit.
Len: No I’m not!
Jenna: you’re supposed to be being all sensitive and nice to me and instead you’re laughing in my face. And now you’re doing your judgement face!
Len: I don’t have a judgement face.
Jenna: Yes you bloody do! You keep doing that funny twisty judging eye thingy that you do.
Len: I do not do a funny, ugly eye twisty thing. You’re pathetic.
Jenna: I never said you were ugly. You just have a judging face.
Len: But Jenna… you just told me you’re scared of pictures of cartoon chickens. That’s not a real thing!
Jenna: (indignantly) It is my thing! (laughing despite herself ) Well, you’re supposed to nod reassuringly and say mmm, yes, and you know.. Oh I don’t know! Just don’t judge me like that. You’re doing it again! Stop it, Len. Stop it!
Len: I’m not judging you!
Jenna: Whatever.
(pause)
Len: Don’t be like that.
Jenna: I’m not. . .Be like what?
Len: All angry with me.
(pause) Len starts laughing
Jenna: What are you laughing at? Stop! she can’t help joining in What’s so funny?
Len: You’re scared of, not chickens, not pictures of chickens, but pictures of cartoon chickens. Even for you that’s pathetic.
Jenna: I’m getting a bit creeped out even thinking about them now. Well, what are you scared of eh? I bet you’re scared of something.
Len: No…
Jenna: Liar! You must be scared of something.
Len: I’m genuinely not.
Jenna: Go on…
Len: Fine. (pause)
Jenna: What? What?!
Len: I’m scared of existing.
Jenna: You can’t be.
Len: Why not?
Jenna: Because / we exist.
Len: If you’re scared of cartoon chickens I can be scared of existing.
Jenna: Don’t say it like that. It sounds ridiculous when you put it like that.
Len: You are ridiculous.
Jenna: What scares you about existing?
Len: I don’t know. Like- How uncertain it it. Like I exist, and I know that I exist but one day I just won’t exist anymore. (Animatedly but with a look of intensity) And, and what if I never even did exist in the first place? (Getting more and more intense ) We could all just be these brains Big Fat Brains in jars that someone is poking and prodding at, willing us to think in a certain way, ACT in a certain way and then one day it gets decided that you’re dispensable and that you have used up your time and then claps Gone. GONE .Nothingness. You and me Jen we’re just stuck in purgatory. We don’t matter! Fuck chickens, that’s scary.
Jenna: Cartoon chickens. Jeez Nietczhe…
Len: (flashing with anger) Don’t patronise me.
Jenna: Len, I’m not patronising / you…
Len: You are! You’re making fun of me .
Jenna: Len I am not making fun of you. Calm down.
Len: Calm down? I just sat and listened to you talking about fucking chickens./
Jenna: Len I wasn’t../
Len: Sorry. Pictures of cartoon chickens and then you tell me to calm down you bitch!
Jenna: (pause) Apologise!
Len: I’m sorry.
Jenna: Good. What do you want to eat?
Len: What can I have?
Jenna: I don’t know...I haven’t done a shop in a while.
Len: Shall I have a look?
Jenna: Yes please.
Len exits to the kitchen. Jenna picks up a photo from the mantelpiece and looks at it. It is of a smiling married couple , quite young on holiday sitting on an elephant. She spits on the frame before wiping it and the placing it back exactly where it was on the shelf. She then goes into her own handbag and gets out a packet of photos. She rifles through them and gets out three photos, one of her and Len casual, smiling , One of Len on his own, obviously caught unawares and one of a dog in a Halloween costume.
Jenna: (calling to Len) We’re much better looking nowadays.
Len: (From off stage) You always say that.
Jenna: Not always. We aren’t always. My ears stick out and you’re eyes are at funny angles to one another. But we are better looking than (measuredly) in these photos. Happier.
Len: (Re-enters) Stop it Jenna. Right I found quorn burgers,
Jenna: Veto.
Len: Gin.
Jenna: Give it. What else?
Len: Alphabetti- spaghetti.
Jenna: Veeeeto. What else?
Len: Half of A family size toblerone.
Jenna: Oh let’s have that Len!
Len: I don’t think it’s such a good idea.
Jenna: Why not?
Len: It’ll be noticeable.
Jenna: (teasingly) I’ll go for a run after.
Len: You know what I mean.
Jenna: Oh fine.
Len: The gin we can just fill up with water afterwards.
Jenna: (She glares, drinks from the bottle. She grimaces then pours some into her lemonade )Goes down easier.
Len: (Notices the photos )Why do you bother doing that?
Jenna: It’s homely.
Len: You’re crackers, you. Come here. (she sits on his lap and then he kisses her)
Jenna: (smiles at him and then swigs from the can. Len drinks from the bottle .) Wanna hear a joke?
Len: Why did the picture of the cartoon chicken cross the road?
Jenna: Ha-ha very funny. No, What do you call a black man driving a plane?...(Len shrugs) A pilot!
Len: That’s not funny.
Jenna: Yeah it is! Cause like, you think it’s gonna be racist but then / it’s not!
Len: (trying to be reasonable but getting annoyed) No. It isn’t funny because you were making me look like a mug.
Jenna: No I wasn’t!
Len: You were making me out to be racist Jenna.
Jenna: I really wasn’t..
Len: That’s very unkind.
Jenna: I wasn’t Len. Len I wasn’t.
Len: Fine because I’m not.
Jenna: I know!
Len: Neither are you right?
Jenna: Of course not!
Len: Then don’t be telling racist jokes like that.
Jenna: It wasn’t… okay. I’m sorry I won’t tell it again.
Len: (Smiling) Good. I like this place. It has an interesting smell.
Jenna: (inhales) mmm…
Len: Like, herbal tea.
Jenna: Which flavour?
Len: Jasmine.
Jenna: And mint. All that mint tea we drink.
Len: When do you…/
Jenna: / (pointedly interrupting him )But I like it. It’s lived in. It’s ours! (She cuddles Len)
Len: When do you think they’ll be back?
Jenna: Len…
Len: Jenna…
Jenna: (defensively )I don’t wanna talk about it now!
Len: Well we can’t very well just be snuggling up here all pretty-picture-perfect happy family in their house /when they get home.
Jenna: (Shouting) I know Len! We will be gone okay? I’ve done my homework. Why couldn’t you have just left me.just a little while longer..(pause) I overheard the woman, Sharon or ‘Karen’ or something in Pilates specifically saying that her doting husband Angus always works late at the office, some big wig entrepreneurial-bank-managing-twat in the city I’ll bet from the way she brags about him, and the state of her fendi purse. She’s so perfect and suburban, bragging about all the overtime he was doing, how he was ‘sure to get that pay rise and so they’d be able to go to the Maldives this summer,’ or maybe grape picking in the South of France. She’s gone away on a detoxing weekend or something and, and (searching for words) It’s just as though the worst thing that ever happens to her is when her manicurist uses coral on her perfectly polished toenails instead of peach. It isn’t fair. Even that stupid canvas, what, a photo just isn’t good enough? I mean a canvas?
Len: What’s a fendi purse?
Jenna: What? Er I-I don’t know. It’s a designer isn’t it?
Len: Probably not. She’s gotta be pretty stupid to leave her key under the mat.
Jenna: Ceramic cat this one.
Len: At least it wasn’t a chicken…
Jenna: Oh shut up you. You know what I think… (There is the sound of a key being put in a lock and a door opening. They hear a woman’s voice muffled. And then a man laughing)
Len: (hushed, angry ) What the fuck Jenna, who is that?
Jenna: (Panicked) I I don’t know.. She said/
Len: /Get under the freaking table.
They crawl under the table. Jenna bangs her head from underneath. A man and a woman enter the room, him with his arms round her waist kissing her. He is noticeably older than her, late 40’s, attractive but a bit of a gut. He is wearing a suit with his shirt slightly undone from the top. She is young, late 20’s, dressed smartly in heels and a skirt suit.
Angus: Mmmm.
Jessica: laughing
Angus: Sit down. Would you like a drink?
Jessica: Gin and tonic please.
Angus: Coming right up (He exits. She smooths down her skirt, adjusts her outfit, how she is sitting. Trying, trying. He re-enters holding 2 glasses.) I couldn’t find the gin. Is a vodka tonic okay? (She smiles, nods ) The wife’s probably been drinking it, she’s taken to drinking half the bottle before bed every night. Then she gets angry and blames me for every damned little thing that’s gone wrong in her life.
Jessica: (A bit awkwardly) Oh, I mean that’s awful.
Angus (Laughing) I’m not that bad am i?
Jessica: No. No! You’re not bad at all Angus, you’re wonderful.
Angus: (Kisses her) Call me Mr Bond.
Jessica: (Laughing) I can’t it’s too … 007.
Angus: (Laughing but with a hint of annoyance) It’s my last name. It’s a power name.
Jessica: Oh dear. Er…
Angus: Anyway, we should… cheers.
Jessica: Ok, to what?
Angus: To you Jessica, to youth and beauty and the now
Jessica: (Laughing ) Ok, to now. (They clink glasses. Jessica goes up and walks around) So you’re sure that your wife won’t come home?
Angus: (Taking his shoes off, kicking them dangerously near the table ) No, no she’s gone on a ‘detox weekend’ (drinks a long sip) and by that I mean she’s gone to rehab…(with venom) In Ireland.
Jessica: Wow!
Angus: I mean, I think the only reason she’s gone that far is to get away from me but, thank bloody g-d she did eh?
Jessica: Yes, I mean…/
Angus: / Another cheers? To my wife. For buggering off so I can enjoy the company of a far more superior woman.
Jessica: (stopping by the mantelpiece) I didn’t know you had a dog! (a small barely audible gasp from Jenna. Angus doesn’t notice)
Angus: I don’t have a dog.
Jessica: The photo? (He gives her a blank look. She brings the photo over)
Angus: What the… This isn’t my dog.
Jessica: Oh, er…
Angus: What the hell?
Jessica: Maybe it’s your wife’s and she left it there as a joke.
Angus: Karen doesn’t joke.
Jessica: Oh.
Angus: This is …
Jessica: Look, I’m sure there’s a perfectly logical explanation. (Downs her drink.) Look, how about you go upstairs and get comfortable? And I… will come and join you in a minute.
Angus: (Raising his eyebrows ) Okay beautiful, don’t keep me waiting too long. (Kisses her)
Jessica: I won’t.
Angus leaves. Jessica walks around the room, hesitates by the door and then walks deliberately towards the table. She pulls up the table cloth. Jenna is sitting with her fingers crossed closing her eyes, Angus is sitting very awkwardly. He offers her a very awkward smile and a shrug.
Jenna: (whispering still with her eyes closed ) Can she see us?
Len: Of course she bloody can.
Jenna: Shit.
Jessica: Sorry am I interrupting something? Who are you?
Jenna: I am Karen. Karen Bond.
Len: What the/
Jenna: /I am... Mr. Bond’s husband. (quickly correcting herself ) Wife.
Jessica: (looking vaguely amused , to Len ) So that makes you…
Len: I’m… I’m the family dog.
Jessica: Get out, both of you!( the emerge from under the table ) Now who are you?
Jenna: I’m Jenna, this is my.. er.. boyfriend Len.
Len: Boyfriend? We’re not five years old, Jenna.
Jenna: Well I don’t know, partner, male friend, lover…/
Len: /You’re making a fool out of yourself.
Jenna: You’re the one who’s…(She suddenly remembers Jessica) Look. We were just… hanging out here for the evening, I’m Karen’s cousin.
Len: We might as well tell her the truth, Jen.
Jenna: Len, no… Don’t be like this.
Len: Well she’s gonna phone the police at this point anyway or at least rat us out to ‘‘Mr Bond up’ there. Jeez Jenna, you could’ve at least got your facts straight before we played your silly little game again..
Jenna: Len, I’m sorry. Len, please.
Len: Jenna here is so dissatisfied with her own life that she steals other people’s. Stalks other woman, watching them, listening, taking each tiny window of opportunity that she can, until, when she’s happy that said woman is contently married; housewife, money, nice jewellery, well made up, husband, land rover, flat-screen freaking television, a kid or two, one by one ticking off her fucked up little boxes, and when she’s sure, and she is always sure, she plays make believe in their houses while they’re out.
Jenna: (tearing up) Len please…
Len: So she preys on women she can see are happy and then feeds off it because she’s too pathetic to accept her own life for what it is. Empty
Jenna: I hate you, Len.
Len: (With a mad look in his eyes, louder) But you chose wrong this time didn’t you Jenna? Because this family isn’t quite so perfect are they? (Turning to Jessica ) They might even be more fucked up than you and me are. (Jenna is crying)
Angus: (From off stage) Jessica, where are you?
Jessica: I’m just coming.
Angus: Ok. Hurry up It’s bloody freezing up here on my own.
Jessica: (To Jenna) We’re all just playing at happy families you know. (To Len) There isn’t anything wrong with that. (She picks up her bag and exits)
Len: We should leave. (Jenna nods. Len walks over to her and puts his arm around her.) Don’t listen to her. We are happy. (Jenna nods again) We can get our photo on a canvas okay? (Jenna gathers up her stuff and they exit)
The end
