XX
A living room in student house. Disheveled. Makeshift ashtrays and empty wine and cider bottles litter the room. A speaker system is partially upturned in the corner. On one side of the room is a doorway leading to the front door, the other side leads to the kitchen.
A moment of silence.
The sound of a door closing is heard, and laborious and pained footsteps are heard getting closer and closer to the room. ASHLEY emerges; make-up half-removed and wearing tracksuit bottoms (pj/valor bottoms), UGG slippers, and a skimpy vest top. She briefly takes in the scene and sighs to herself before moving across the living room towards the kitchen. During her journey she upsets many of the bottles, which fall over with a loud clunk. Every time this happens, she pauses and grimaces to herself, as if each noise was like a wrecking ball to the forehead. Finally, she vanishes to the kitchen. Noise of a toaster.
More footsteps in the hallway. GEMMA, make-up-free face, hair in a ponytail and dressed in baggy shorts and a baggy T-shirt, appears. She collapses onto the sofa, retches and grabs at some of the cider bottles, finally discovering one which has some liquid remaining. She smiles feebly to herself, and begins to surreptitiously sip at it.
Pause
ASHLEY re-enters with two slices of toast on a small plate.
GEMMA/ASHLEY: (seeing each other) Jesus!
ASHLEY jumps and sends the toast to the floor
GEMMA: Don’t sneak up on me like that!
Ashley clutches her head and groans in response to the noise, before kneeling on the floor.
ASHLEY: (collecting the remnants of her breakfast) Sneak up on you? I was down here first. You’re the one sneaking around the house like an alcoholic Freddy Krueger.
GEMMA: (sipping) I can’t help it if two wrongs make a right, and I need the medicine.
ASHLEY: (to the toast) Butter-side down. Why is it always butter-side down?
GEMMA: I am in a very painful place right now.
ASHLEY: (sitting next to her on the sofa) How painful are we talking?
GEMMA: A whole new world of pain.
ASHLEY: An Aladdin level of pain?
GEMMA: Correct.
ASHLEY: Christ. (beat) I lost track of you last night, where did you go?
GEMMA: (thinks) I can’t exactly remember. I believe there was smoke.
ASHLEY: The drum and bass room?
GEMMA: No...
ASHLEY: Old school hip-hop room?
GEMMA: No...
ASHLEY: 90’s cheese room?
GEMMA: No...
ASHLEY: Salsa room.
GEMMA: No...
ASHLEY: Chill out room.
GEMMA: No...
ASHLEY: What!?
Gemma groans in response to the noise
ASHLEY: Sorry. (whispered) What?
GEMMA: (slowly remembering) The smoking area.
ASHLEY: Of course.
GEMMA: I got challenged.
ASHLEY: Oh no, not a challenge.
GEMMA: And you know / what I get like with challenges.
ASHLEY: / I know what you get like. What was it?
GEMMA: Tequila.
ASHLEY: Lime and salt?
GEMMA: At first.
ASHLEY: And then?
GEMMA: Pepper and an orange wkd.
ASHLEY: (heaving at the thought) Christ again.
GEMMA: The second coming.
ASHLEY: Indeed.
GEMMA: Mmm.
Noises of footsteps
GEMMA: Is that Tash or Daisy?
ASHLEY: Daisy.
GEMMA: I think Tash.
ASHLEY: Daisy. You can’t mistake the walk of an over-worker.
GEMMA: Bet some of your toast on it?
ASHLEY: I did pick it up off the floor.
GEMMA: I drank cider which I think had some ash in it.
ASHLEY: Fair enough. You’re on.
DAISY comes through the door wearing Jack Wills pajama bottoms and a hoodie one size too big for her
GEMMA: Bollocks.
DAISY: Morning / Why bollocks?
ASHLEY: / Morning. You’re not Tash.
DAISY: Should I be?
ASHLEY: (mocking Daisy) Only in this one instance, darling.
GEMMA: No offense, darling.
DAISY: It’s fine.
ASHLEY: Daisy, why does toast always land butter-side down?
DAISY: Rotation rate and height of the surface it falls off of. It’s physics.
ASHLEY: How do you know?
DAISY pulls an exasperated face and turns around revealing ‘School of Physics’ written in large letters on the back of her hoodie.
GEMMA: (cocks her hand as if firing a gun) Blammo.
ASHLEY: Touche.
DAISY: (crossing to kitchen) I don’t feel so good.
ASHLEY: Welcome to the club. We have hats.
GEMMA: I was wearing a hat at one point.
ASHLEY: I saw. It was purple.
GEMMA: I like purple!
ASHLEY: So you said. A lot.
GEMMA: I do!
DAISY: (from kitchen) She does!
ASHLEY: I know!
DAISY: Juice?
GEMMA/ASHLEY: Bottom shelf!
DAISY: Thanks. Where did you guys go?
GEMMA: Smoking area.
ASHLEY: Hung round the bar myself.
GEMMA: Any free drinks?
ASHLEY: Four.
GEMMA: And?
ASHLEY: (counting them off) Creepy, rape-y, letch-ey, and pervy
DAISY: (coming in with a glass of cranberry juice) How funny to see all of your exes in one night.
Gemma and Daisy share a laugh which is cut short by Ashley hurling a piece of toast at her.
GEMMA: What about you, Dais?
DAISY: I just watched a film with / James.
ASHLEY/GEMMA: (in faux worship) / James!
GEMMA: The amazing James!
ASHLEY: The spectacular James!
GEMMA: The wonderful, fabulous James!
ASHLEY: (doing an impression of very conservative sex) Oh James! Oh golly gosh! Ooh you really are smashing at this!
GEMMA: (in a ridiculous voice intended as James) Oh yes, you love a good rutting don’t you? You filthy sow!
GEMMA/ASHLEY: (growing in ferocity) Oh yes! Oh! God! Yes! God! Yes! Yes!
The dissolve into over-the-top girlish glee. DAISY is not amused.
DAISY: One day I’m going to get really annoyed with you taking the piss out of my upbringing.
ASHLEY: I eagerly await your letter to Points of View.
DAISY: And James is a very nice boy.
GEMMA: We’ve heard.
ASHLEY: If you were just watching a film, why do you feel bad now?
DAISY: I didn’t say the pain was in my head.
ASHLEY: Don’t finish that thought.
DAISY: It’s just I’m so small and he’s-
ASHLEY: Don’t finish it!
GEMMA: She’s got floor-toast to eat.
ASHLEY: Exactly.
She defiantly takes a huge bite. Daisy sits down on an armchair next to the sofa.
DAISY: And here’s me thinking you’d a appreciate a man update.
ASHLEY: That’s the last thing I need. And what do you mean I’d appreciate it.
GEMMA: I think she might be hinting at the fact that both of us have taken pisses longer than your last four relationships.
ASHLEY: Go on then, rub it in.
GEMMA: Like buttered toast on a carpet?
ASHLEY: Shut up.
The clanking of somebody struggling with a key in a lock
DAISY: Oh!
GEMMA: Something’s up.
DAISY: God, it’s not inspection time already is it?
ASHLEY: I think that’s next week.
GEMMA: And what are you worried about, anyway?
DAISY: The house is such a mess! And there’s illicit materials around.
ASHLEY: Unless you’re talking about your copies of The Spectator and your One Direction calendar, leave us to worry about that.
The door opens and closes. The uneven clipping of heels in the corridor.
GEMMA: Did anyone you see Tash last night?
ASHLEY: The last time I saw her she was talking to... (realization) Oh.
GEMMA/DAISY: What?
ASHLEY: (with a look that conveys everything) Oh!
GEMMA/DAISY: Oh?
Ashley nods
GEMMA/DAISY: Oh.
TASH enters. She is wearing a black dress and holding a matching clutch bag. She is walking with difficulty. Her make-up is smudged, her hair tangled mess. Almost instinctively, GEMMA and ASHLEY part, leaving a space in the middle of the sofa, which TASH promptly falls into. She doesn’t appear to be completely present.
Awkward pause.
ASHLEY: You alright, Tash?
GEMMA: You need anything?
DAISY: Do you want some breakfast?
TASH retches dangerously. The other girls scatter to the corner of the room.
Tentative pause
ASHLEY: You gonna be ok?
The wait with anticipation. TASH weakly nods. The other girls sigh with relief and return to their seats.
GEMMA: Where have you been?
TASH: Didn’t know. At first, I mean.
DAISY: Was it far?
TASH: (shaking her head) Just a few streets.
ASHLEY: Well, that’s good!
GEMMA: Were you... with someone.
TASH: Yeah...
GEMMA: Good?
TASH: Can’t remember.
ASHLEY: They can’t all be winners, eh?
DAISY: Name?
TASH: Josh.
DAISY: That’s a nice name. People could call you ‘Tosh’!
ASHLEY: Did you really just say that?
DAISY: I was making conversation.
ASHLEY: And tosh is never a word you should say.
DAISY: I thought we were done with all that for today.
ASHLEY: We’re never done-
GEMMA: -go make some tea, Ash-
ASHLEY: -Right.
ASHLEY goes into the kitchen. DAISY moves onto the sofa.
DAISY: Was he nice?
TASH: Not sure... He passed me my pants.
GEMMA: And they say chivalry is dead.
DAISY: Do you think it’ll happen again?
TASH: I can’t really think right now.
DAISY: Right.
Pause
ASHLEY: (offstage) How many sugars?
GEMMA: (to TASH) How many sugars?
TASH holds up two fingers
GEMMA: Two!
ASHLEY: Right!
Long silence with sounds of tea preparation permeating. Suddenly, the sound of a phone vibrating.
DAISY: Who’s is that?
GEMMA: Mine’s in my room.
TASH: It’s mine.
She reaches for her clutch.
DAISY: I’ll get it, you stay put and recuperate.
DAISY reaches into the bag and pulls out a phone. She struggling with unlocking it.
DAISY: What’s the code?
TASH: 84-
ASHLEY: (offstage) 8491!
There is a moment of confusion.
GEMMA: She just knows these things.
DAISY fiddles with the phone.
DAISY: Oh, you’ve got a text!
TASH: Who from?
DAISY: Well, from how you’ve saved the number: JaYUISDfh847;
GEMMA: Is that with a capital 7?
TASH: What does it say?
DAISY: “Hey, had a really good time. Hope you did too. Have a great day :) xx”
GEMMA: Wow. Two X’s
DAISY: Yep.
TASH: What?
GEMMA: Oh, poor Tash. Are you not aware of the X rules?
TASH: No.
ASHLEY re-enters with a mug of tea and hands it to TASH before sitting on the arm of the sofa.
ASHLEY: One X is friendly; civil. Three X’s is either long term partner or crazy stalker.
GEMMA: Or disturbingly close bromance.
ASHLEY: Or disturbingly close bromance. No X’s means please don’t get ideas, no matter how nicely worded the message is.
TASH: And 2?
ASHLEY: That’s a difficult one.
GEMMA: Indeed.
ASHLEY: It can mean a strong platonic connection. Was he friendly
The other girls all look at ASHLEY
ASHLEY: Ok, stupid question. It could also mean he thinks it might be something more.
DAISY: More likely the latter.
ASHLEY: Because of the smiley face.
GEMMA: The ball is totally in your court.
TASH: Right.
DAISY: What does ‘Have a great day’ mean?
ASHLEY: No idea. He could either be being smug or awkward.
GEMMA: Guys are confusing when they’re sober.
TASH: Yeah. Can someone put the telly on?
DAISY: Sure!
GEMMA: Low volume, darling.
DAISY: Only if you drop the ‘darling’s
ASHLEY: Temporary truce, we promise.
DAISY: Alright, then.
DAISY turns on the television.
DAISY: Jeremy Kyle?
ALL: Yes.
Silence.
GEMMA: This is a nice way to spend a Sunday.
Another moment of confusion.
DAISY: It’s Thursday.
GEMMA contemplates getting up, but decides against it.
GEMMA: I didn’t need to go to that seminar anyway.
They all huddle up and watch the TV.
Slow blackout.
End.
