A Matter of Perspective
Michael – Mid 20s. Bank worker. Suit.
Claire – Early 30s. Psychiatrist. Sexy.
Hannah – Late 20s. Secretary. Idiot.
In a psychiatric hospital. Michael sits alone downstage. Upstage is Hannah’s desk. Claire enters and approaches Hannah.
Claire: (Calling offstage) See you next week Mr Estragon, though I’m sure he’ll have arrived by then! Nice to see him come by himself this time. Right then Hannah, Who’s next?
Hannah: What?
Claire: Who’s next. For me to see.
Hannah: Oh right yes! Here. (Hands Claire a pack of notes)
Claire: How long have you worked here?
Hannah: What?
Claire: How long have you worked here. As my receptionist.
Hannah: 2 years...
Claire: What does this say? (Indicating to the notes)
Hannah: Psychiatric?
Claire: No. It does not. It spells PissChattic. I would have thought you’d have taken the time to learn the spelling of my profession.
Hannah: Sorry.
Claire: No worries. (Reading notes) Right...Oh yes. Our friend with an imaginary friend.
Hannah: (Excitedly) Oh I had one of them!
Claire: That is unsurprising. But presumably not when you were 24 and working in a bank.
Hannah: I’ve never worked in a bank.
Claire: You know what Hannah, that surprises me. It really does. This chap’s name is Michael Kensington. And his imaginary friend is apparently called Jason.
Hannah: He sounds like a nice chap.
Claire: Which one?
Hannah: What?
Claire: One day I’m going to get a secretary that can engage in banter. Or at least spell it. I’d better do some work. And so should you.
(Claire walks downstage to join Michael)
Claire: Hello Michael. My name is Claire.
Michael: Hi. I don’t mean to be rude, but why the fuck am I here?
Claire: That was a tad rude Michael. But never mind. My name is Claire Constantopolous, it’s Greek, and I have been asked to assess your mental state by your current employer.
Michael: My mental state? Why?
Claire: It stems from your induction day at the bank. You filled out a questionnaire about how you would react to certain scenarios within the work place. Can you remember completing that assessment?
Michael: I remember completing that assessment.
Claire: When investigating the answers of the assessment that you remember completing, something was flagged up. A few of your answers were not in keeping with company policy, which we will get onto later. But I think we had better begin with what I believe to be the most pressing matter. One of your answers suggested the existence of some kind of...fictional character. An imaginary friend, if you will. Do you recall that?
Michael: No?
Claire: No?
Michael: No. I do not recall that.
Claire: Perhaps this will jog your memory. (She hands over the form she is referring to) You clearly indicate that he had a big part in your decision to join the bank.
Michael: This handwriting’s scruffy.
Claire: That was my secretary. She did a drama degree.
Michael: (Understanding, genuinely sympathetic) Ahhh. I’m sorry to hear it.
Claire: Nevertheless, you see what I’m talking about? Here?
Michael: Oh imaginary friend! Ok...Well we can call him that if you want.
Claire: Well if he’s not imaginary he is welcome to join this conversation?
Michael: Of course he can’t, he –
Claire: Well then. Let’s carry on just us two shall we.
Michael: He can still hear us. HE CAN HEAR EVERYTHING.
Claire: Um. Ok. You say here he had played a large role in you joining the company and taking the new job.
Michael: (Relaxed) Well yes. He plays a large role in all the decisions I make.
Claire: You ask him for advice?
Michael: Yes.
Claire: Interesting. Ok, so how does this relationship manifest itself?
Michael: Well. It’s symbiotic. I cannot function without him, he cannot function without me.
Claire: So you never make decisions for yourself, without...his influence.
Michael: I used to. Before I found him. But that never worked out too well.
Claire: What do you mean?
Michael: Well I just had no guidance in life. No real feeling of direction. Until I discovered him.
Claire: Discovered?
Michael: Well, ‘made friends with’ if you want to continue with this bizarre analogy. I was introduced to him.
Claire: You were introduced to him?!
Michael: (Unsure as to why this is so astonishing) Yyyyyes... An old woman in our village was dying. Cancer. Throat if I recall correctly. And I’d just lost my mother to cancer too. And she said that he had helped her stay strong, so I thought I’d give it a try.
Claire: Riiiiiight. (Noting down) Introduced...by...old...woman. So now you two are together, does he ever make decisions?
Michael: I don’t really understand what you’re getting at here. He doesn’t control me! But he asks me to do things. So I do them.
Claire: Such as..?
Michael: Well. He likes it when I write poetry, or sing to him. I suppose the main thing he wants is for me to tell people about him. Spread the word.
Claire: And what do you tell them?
Michael: Just how great he is! How he brings so much more meaning and happiness to my life. Everyone should embrace him.
Claire: You force him on to people?
Michael: Not force. But I try to persuade people, yes.
Claire: How?
Michael: I only tell them if they want to hear. If it comes up in conversation. Or they open their door.
Claire: You just knock on people’s doors?
Michael: Sometimes. If I’m walking home from work I’ll knock on a few doors, try and introduce a few people. When I’m a bit more stable in my job I’d like to go into the city centre at weekends. Tell passers by that their lives can be changed by him. (Excitedly) Maybe I’ll stand in the middle of the street shouting about him whilst gently dribbling.
Claire: Why do you feel the need to do that?
Michael: He asks me too. I told you that earlier. Don’t you listen? I try and tell the most people I can.
Claire: Ok. Let’s go back to the singing. Do you often sing to him?
Michael: Yes... Isn’t that normal?
Claire: You tell me. What do you sing?
Michael: It depends. Sometimes the classics, sometimes they’re my own original compositions.
Claire: Original compositions? That’s impressive.
Michael: Musically they’re not that impressive. I sometimes record them. Bit of piano and guitar.
Claire: So when you’re singing these songs to your imaginary friend, is he listening? Singing along? Dancing?
Michael: (Starting to grow frustrated) I really think imaginary friend is a bit disrespectful.
Claire: Ok, I can see that you’re starting to grow frustrated. I’ll go get you a coffee. How do you take it?
Michael: Black. 2 sugars. (Twitches as if possessed) 1 sugar. (Shouts ridiculously loud) YES ONE SUGAR!!! Sorry.
(Claire leaves and goes back to Hannah at reception, makes coffee)
Hannah: What’s he like?
Claire: He seems completely normal. Apart from being mental.
Hannah: Oh, like me!
Claire: No Hannah. You seem completely mental. Apart from being normal.
Hannah: Is that a good thing?
Claire: I have no idea. Given the choice, I’d rather be you than poor Michael. The way he’s going we’re going to have to have him sectioned. This imaginary Jason friend helps him make life decisions. Makes him sing and write poetry, and just generally nags him. Frankly, he sounds like one of my exes.
Hannah: OH MY GOD!!!
Claire: No. He’s not one of my exes. Do you not listen or just not understand?
Hannah: I don’t know...which one is worse?
Claire: I have no idea. Right. I’m going back in.
(Claire hands Michael the coffee)
Michael: Thanks.
Claire: No problem.
Michael: I’m still not sure why I’m here...
Claire: Right, of course. We must have become distracted. Basically, this answer on that questionnaire you filled in, and a few others, raised questions that the bank wanted me to get to the bottom of. We’ll tackle them systematically. Firstly, could you clarify your approach to women in the workplace, as on the form you stated you would work with them ‘if necessary’...
Michael: I don’t understand what there is to clarify?
Claire: Some women may find that begrudging answer offensive. Do you have an issue with women in the work place?
Michael: Not at all. But women are there to aid men, aren’t they? They’re like our helpers.
Claire: Ok. These are the kind of opinions that the company were struggling with. I’d be interested to know the basis of your views on this topic. Do you believe this, or does your imaginary friend have any involvement?
Michael: It’s not just from him. But he shares my views, yes.
Claire: So you don’t respect me, for example?
Michael: I didn’t say that.
Claire: So do you respect me? Or am I some kind of object?
Michael: Haha! No. I see where you’re going. I do not sexually harass women. I do not see you as a sex object. Even though, if I may say so impartially, you are incredibly hot.
Claire: That is inappropriate.
Michael: But you see my point, don’t you. I’ve no doubt your superior is a man? It’s not a lack of respect, it’s just that we are not equals.
Claire: Are you single, Michael?
Michael: No. I have a long term girlfriend.
Claire: God help her.
Michael: He does.
Claire: What?
Michael: He does.
Claire: Right. Anyway. Do you respect her?
Michael: Of course I do! He tells me to treat her with respect as the weaker partner. So I do.
Claire: (Slightly struggling to maintain composure) Ok. Ok. We should perhaps move on for my sake. Your employers were mostly concerned over your sexuality. On this form you were given the option to tick a box. Either heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, or non-disclosure. You ticked heterosexual. That is fine. What concerns me is that next to the tick box for homosexual, you wrote ‘Fuck No’.
Michael: Right. I suppose that’s a little extreme.
Claire: I would agree with that assessment. Would you like to give me your reasoning?
Michael: Well. I’ve always thought that homosexuality is wrong. I mean, it’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.
Claire: You seriously just used that line?
Michael: For a psychiatrist you’re very flippant.
Claire: It keeps people entertained.
Michael: (Looking to audience) You’d be surprised.
Claire: So, you think homosexuality is wrong? Or does he think homosexuality is wrong?
Michael: (Going crazy by the end of the speech) You don’t seem to understand. He is not separate to me. He is intrinsically part of me. That’s not to say he controls me like a puppet. He teaches me certain things. He teaches me what I should and should not do. He teaches me, and I believe that, homosexuality is crime. Sadly, it isn’t in the eyes of the law anymore, but any sexual deviant, be it a homosexual or a paedophile or any other sick and twisted mutation of our species should feel our wrath. It was not written for me to be walking the same Earth or sharing the same streets as these vile creatures.
(Claire silently stands up and moves back to the reception area)
Claire: Hand me the forms will you Hannah.
Hannah: It’s not gone well?
Claire: No. He believes he and his friend are intrinsically combined. He needs help. And his views are archaic and offensive.
(Claire returns to Michael)
Claire: Mr Kensington, with regret I am recommending your re-location to Fulbourn mental health facility, in order for your psychiatric problems to be dealt with sensitively and appropriately.
Michael: What? Why?!
Claire: Mr Kensington, you have demonstrated both through inference and admission that you are highly influenced by a fictional being. The singing and life advice are aspects that are slightly concerning, but what is more disturbing is the views on social issues such as homosexuality and gender equality that you have clearly demonstrated to hold, claiming that these opinions are founded on Jason’s recommendation. This kind of influence from a fictional character cannot be tolerated.
Michael: (Pause) Jason?
Claire: Yes?
Michael: Who’s Jason?
Claire: I don’t understand? We have been discussing Jason for the past hour?
Michael: I don’t understand.
Claire: Your imaginary friend. Jason. Here. (She hands over the assessment that began the debate. Reading from it) ‘As with most of my life decisions, Jason played a large part in me joining the bank’...
Michael: Are you joking?
Claire: I don’t understand?
Michael: That doesn’t say Jason.
Claire: What?
Michael: That doesn’t say Jason.
Claire: That doesn’t say Jason?
Michael: That doesn’t say Jason.
Claire: Doesn’t it? It looks like Jason to me. J-A-S-O-N.
Michael: No? The handwriting is scruffy, I admit, look. J-E-S-U-S.
(Silence)
Claire: (Slowly) So it does...so it does. Well! Well. Mr Kensington, I do hope you will accept my most sincere apologies.
Michael: It’s quite alright. An easy mistake to make. So this mental hospital...
Claire: Oh no no no no! Don’t worry about that. You’re free to leave.
Michael: I’m sorry?
Claire: You’re free to go!
Michael: What happened to (In a Claire voice) ‘this kind of influence from a fictional character cannot be tolerated’?
Claire: I didn’t realise it was that fictional character. How foolish I must look, thinking all that stuff was from some made up guy called Jason, when in fact it’s from a made up guy called Jesus! We can’t go around locking people up for believing in Jesus can we!
Michael: I did think you were behaving a bit disrespectfully.
Claire: Michael. I’m truly sorry. You must have thought I was trying to force Atheism on you like you force Christianity on others! I must have seemed so inconsiderate and arrogant!
Michael: Well yes, you did a bit. I’ve half a mind to report this to your superior.
Claire: Of course. I’d understand that. I’ll give you Mr Fobbersmith’s contact details.
Michael: Thank you. And I told you he’d be a man. So I’m free to leave?
Claire: Yes yes yes! I’ll show you out.
(They get up and leave via reception)
Claire: Once again, please accept our most sincere apologies Mr Kensington.
Michael: No problem. You’ll be hearing from me shortly. (He leaves)
Hannah: What was all that about? I thought you were locking him up?
Claire: (Angry) Hannah, I am never having you transcribe anything ever again. It’s one thing spelling psychiatric wrong, but JESUS? SERIOUSLY?
Hannah: What?
Claire: Oh don’t worry. We were very lucky there, we nearly put a perfectly sane man through months of mental examination. Thankfully, he is free to once again roam the streets. And knock on doors.
Hannah: But I thought he had lots of nasty views on things? Surely that’s bad?
Claire: Oh Hannah, you do astonish me with your naivety sometimes. One day you’ll learn how this world works. He shares the views of the Pope and The Archbishop. You really think you know better? Anyway, You may as well go now. That was my last appointment of the day.
Hannah: (Delighted) Thanks!! (Gathers her things) Come on Jessie, hurry, or we’ll miss The One Show.
(Hannah holds the hand of her imaginary friend as she runs out offstage. Claire double takes. Blackout)
