An Audience with… An Audience with – Richard Higgs
A Boy, A Girl*. They are theatregoers. They sit, ‘watching a play’**.
Two seats on an otherwise empty stage. The stage is not lit. The audience is. They enter; sit down carefully as to not spill either of their drinks. They place their bags / coats under / over their chairs.
Girl: So yeah, have you been looking forward this?
Boy: I don’t know. I don’t really know anything about it. I didn’t read the Facebook event either. What’s it all about?
Girl: I’m not sure, I mean I’ve read the script but I’m only really here as my friend is in it… Ah wait…
Perhaps a lighting change of some sort and the Boy and Girl cheer and applaud. They ‘watch’ for a few seconds and continue talking in whispers before eventually returning to full volume….
Boy: Ah good stuff, who’s that?
Girl: <Insert name of audience member here>***. That’s my friend. Do you know her? She studies Drama and English.
Boy: As everyone should do.
Girl: I don’t know… I guess it means more competition.
Boy: Oh, oh yeah you do this kind of thing don’t you? You’re one of these drama kids too then?
Girl: Yeah, I love it.
Boy: Good stuff. Are you in anything this term? Like, audition for anything?
Girl: I auditioned for everything to be honest. I got into <insert relevant play that the actor was in, or substitute it with ‘nothing’ if that is the case>. I mean… I guess I’m only a <Insert year here>, so I <havn’t done a lot of this kind of stuff before / still have loads of time left / need to study anyway, to be honest>. I mean, I’m glad I’m not in this anyway. It seems to be pretty slow.
Pause
Boy: It’s a big cast eh?
Girl: Oh god. It’s the only thing most of them will be in this term.
Boy: You’d think there’d be at least a couple of decent actors amongst them.
Girl: Yeah, again, I just couldn’t see myself being onstage with these people. That guy *points*, what’s his name, <Insert name here>.
Boy: He’s a right dick. Good luck to the cast I guess.
Pause
Girl: I always ask this and always forget – what do you study?
Boy: Politics.
Boy: I don’t know. I don’t really know anything about it. I didn’t read the Facebook event either. What’s it all about?
Girl: I’m not sure, I mean I’ve read the script but I’m only really here as my friend is in it… Ah wait…
Perhaps a lighting change of some sort and the Boy and Girl cheer and applaud. They ‘watch’ for a few seconds and continue talking in whispers before eventually returning to full volume….
Boy: Ah good stuff, who’s that?
Girl: <Insert name of audience member here>***. That’s my friend. Do you know her? She studies Drama and English.
Boy: As everyone should do.
Girl: I don’t know… I guess it means more competition.
Boy: Oh, oh yeah you do this kind of thing don’t you? You’re one of these drama kids too then?
Girl: Yeah, I love it.
Boy: Good stuff. Are you in anything this term? Like, audition for anything?
Girl: I auditioned for everything to be honest. I got into <insert relevant play that the actor was in, or substitute it with ‘nothing’ if that is the case>. I mean… I guess I’m only a <Insert year here>, so I <havn’t done a lot of this kind of stuff before / still have loads of time left / need to study anyway, to be honest>. I mean, I’m glad I’m not in this anyway. It seems to be pretty slow.
Pause
Boy: It’s a big cast eh?
Girl: Oh god. It’s the only thing most of them will be in this term.
Boy: You’d think there’d be at least a couple of decent actors amongst them.
Girl: Yeah, again, I just couldn’t see myself being onstage with these people. That guy *points*, what’s his name, <Insert name here>.
Boy: He’s a right dick. Good luck to the cast I guess.
Pause
Girl: I always ask this and always forget – what do you study?
Boy: Politics.
Girl: Oh dear.
Boy: Yeah, I get that a lot. Don’t worry though, it’s ok – I’m a leftie.
Girl: As everyone should be... Did you go for anything?
Boy: Oh, nah. I can’t act at -
Girl: - I’ve seen you do comedy though? Stand-up and stuff?
Boy: Oh yeah, well, that’s not the same thing. It’s a lot harder probably. In fact yeah, it is har-. Yeah, it is like… It is very much kind of… It is harder, I mean, any idiot can just learn and say a few lines. As well, after this show we’ll all go outside, have a fag, and tell the actor’s they were ace. But in stand-up, you know whether you’re doing well or not instantly. *Pause*. Yeah. I’m not funny in real life either.
Girl: Whatever! I saw you in erm… what was it? The last Watch This thing at Christmas… The Panto. That was fun.
Boy: It was, yeah. That’s what Watch This is greet for. Giving a chance to talentlowse kids. O mean come on, look at this. Talk about insubstantial. And it’s barely even been wrote. The script sounds like it’s still full of spiling mistakes.
Boy: Yeah, I get that a lot. Don’t worry though, it’s ok – I’m a leftie.
Girl: As everyone should be... Did you go for anything?
Boy: Oh, nah. I can’t act at -
Girl: - I’ve seen you do comedy though? Stand-up and stuff?
Boy: Oh yeah, well, that’s not the same thing. It’s a lot harder probably. In fact yeah, it is har-. Yeah, it is like… It is very much kind of… It is harder, I mean, any idiot can just learn and say a few lines. As well, after this show we’ll all go outside, have a fag, and tell the actor’s they were ace. But in stand-up, you know whether you’re doing well or not instantly. *Pause*. Yeah. I’m not funny in real life either.
Girl: Whatever! I saw you in erm… what was it? The last Watch This thing at Christmas… The Panto. That was fun.
Boy: It was, yeah. That’s what Watch This is greet for. Giving a chance to talentlowse kids. O mean come on, look at this. Talk about insubstantial. And it’s barely even been wrote. The script sounds like it’s still full of spiling mistakes.
Girl: For real. Looks like emoticons have replaced the Masks of Janus.
Boy: Pretentious too.
Pause
Girl: Look at them. Just not believable at all. Is that how an audience would actually react? And <Insert name here> is so fucking up herself. Over acting, as usual.
Boy: Is thingy in this? You know? That skinny blonde guy with glasses?
Girl: I wouldn’t be surprised. He’s in everything.
Boy: Hmmm… He owes me a drink…
Boy: Pretentious too.
Pause
Girl: Look at them. Just not believable at all. Is that how an audience would actually react? And <Insert name here> is so fucking up herself. Over acting, as usual.
Boy: Is thingy in this? You know? That skinny blonde guy with glasses?
Girl: I wouldn’t be surprised. He’s in everything.
Boy: Hmmm… He owes me a drink…
Girl: Me too.
Boy: And I need another actually. The Guinness from Joe’s is awful. They cant like, get the head to foam up properly.
Boy: And I need another actually. The Guinness from Joe’s is awful. They cant like, get the head to foam up properly.
Girl: We’ll find him later.
Boy: Yeah, good luck with that.
Girl: He’ll be at the after party I’m sure. Aren’t you going?
Boy: I don’t know, I should probably go library and study…
Girl: Study? At University? Don’t be ridiculous.
Boy: I know yeah, I’m just here to try and forget about it really. Any excuse to get out of a 3C Suicide booth with ‘Research Methods and Political Science’.
Girl: Ah, you’ll be ok. Come out. It’ll be fun.
Boy: Those things always scare the shit out of me. I’m just like, intimidated all the time. I feel like I need a fag constantly – not to smoke, just to get out. So many people acting up… No one calls an interval at house parties I guess.
Girl: And they’re full of critics. Nah, it’s good to meet friends, and meet new people…
Boy: It’s just… I went to a party last term, and it was weird. Well, normal, I don’t know. Lot’s of drama kids, all kind of shouting over each other, doing impressions and cracking jokes… all compounded by Mandy. And I just said to this one, kind of camp, guy – ‘you know man, you don’t always need to be acting – you don’t need to perform all the time…’ He stopped, he looked at me and said ‘Darling *winks*, I’m always performing.
Boy: Yeah, good luck with that.
Girl: He’ll be at the after party I’m sure. Aren’t you going?
Boy: I don’t know, I should probably go library and study…
Girl: Study? At University? Don’t be ridiculous.
Boy: I know yeah, I’m just here to try and forget about it really. Any excuse to get out of a 3C Suicide booth with ‘Research Methods and Political Science’.
Girl: Ah, you’ll be ok. Come out. It’ll be fun.
Boy: Those things always scare the shit out of me. I’m just like, intimidated all the time. I feel like I need a fag constantly – not to smoke, just to get out. So many people acting up… No one calls an interval at house parties I guess.
Girl: And they’re full of critics. Nah, it’s good to meet friends, and meet new people…
Boy: It’s just… I went to a party last term, and it was weird. Well, normal, I don’t know. Lot’s of drama kids, all kind of shouting over each other, doing impressions and cracking jokes… all compounded by Mandy. And I just said to this one, kind of camp, guy – ‘you know man, you don’t always need to be acting – you don’t need to perform all the time…’ He stopped, he looked at me and said ‘Darling *winks*, I’m always performing.
Girl: That’s ace! That exactly sums up, like, passionate people. To be so into something, to be so obsessed by it, that you’re kind of doing it all the time. That’s great. You’re like that, surely?
Boy: I don’t know. Maybe with stand-up.
Boy: I don’t know. Maybe with stand-up.
Girl: Come on, it’ll cheer you up. You’ve made me laugh. I want to take some drugs or something, I really want to try some MOMD.
Pause
Boy: The line is MDMA.
Girl: What?
Boy: You’re line, you’re meant to say MDMA. The line after that is ‘what are you talking about?’
Girl: …What are you talking about?
Boy: Exactly. Anyway… where is it?
Girl: 38 Rookery Road <or alternately the actual place the after party is>.
Boy: … We’ve got to endure this ‘performance’ first.
Girl: I don’t know, I’m enjoying it. I mean they have got more chairs than Ionesco… Sure there’s too many props, they’re overdressed and there’s barely any eye candy, but it’s ok, it’s something to see.
Boy: It sucks. Everything that guy writes is all weird and meta and attempts to break the fourth wall. It’s like playing free jazz, you should learn how to play your instrument before you try and push the boundaries.
Pause
Boy: The line is MDMA.
Girl: What?
Boy: You’re line, you’re meant to say MDMA. The line after that is ‘what are you talking about?’
Girl: …What are you talking about?
Boy: Exactly. Anyway… where is it?
Girl: 38 Rookery Road <or alternately the actual place the after party is>.
Boy: … We’ve got to endure this ‘performance’ first.
Girl: I don’t know, I’m enjoying it. I mean they have got more chairs than Ionesco… Sure there’s too many props, they’re overdressed and there’s barely any eye candy, but it’s ok, it’s something to see.
Boy: It sucks. Everything that guy writes is all weird and meta and attempts to break the fourth wall. It’s like playing free jazz, you should learn how to play your instrument before you try and push the boundaries.
Girl: Ah, I can’t stand free jazz. I heard some before… Coal train?
Boy: Yeah, John Coltrane.
Girl: It sounded like someone being sick down a saxophone.
Boy: Nah, no way, it’s pure escapism. It stops even being music – it’s more than that! There’s no rules, no limitations -
Girl: There’s no manners.
Pause
Girl: Speaking of manners, we’ve been talking for ages. Why’s no one told us to be quiet?
Boy: I’m not sure. Listening to you has been pretty fun at least. What do you think?
Girl: Yeah, hmmm, OK. I guess, well it might be because of what you were saying earlier. No one else has said anything because they don’t want to. They don’t have anything to say. They’ve paid to sit in a dark room and judge people. They’re probably doing that to you and me right now.
Boy: What – what would they say about me?
Girl: I’m not going to put words into their mouths. I’d hate for someone to do that to me.
Pause
Girl: I think I preferred the script.
Boy: Yeah? Left to your own imagination? Like the book is always better than the film?
Girl: Well that, and you could just close the script and go do something else.
Boy: Yeah, I could go for a fag. How long’s left?
Girl: <Time this in rehearsal and edit this response as appropriate>
Boy: What? This has been dragging. Argh. I don’t know, I’ve seen worse at the Guild.
Girl: *Whistles a Disney tune*
Boy: *Talking as girl whistles* I knew it. Watch This had to throw in a song didn’t they?
The whistling continues
Boy: Yeah, John Coltrane.
Girl: It sounded like someone being sick down a saxophone.
Boy: Nah, no way, it’s pure escapism. It stops even being music – it’s more than that! There’s no rules, no limitations -
Girl: There’s no manners.
Pause
Girl: Speaking of manners, we’ve been talking for ages. Why’s no one told us to be quiet?
Boy: I’m not sure. Listening to you has been pretty fun at least. What do you think?
Girl: Yeah, hmmm, OK. I guess, well it might be because of what you were saying earlier. No one else has said anything because they don’t want to. They don’t have anything to say. They’ve paid to sit in a dark room and judge people. They’re probably doing that to you and me right now.
Boy: What – what would they say about me?
Girl: I’m not going to put words into their mouths. I’d hate for someone to do that to me.
Pause
Girl: I think I preferred the script.
Boy: Yeah? Left to your own imagination? Like the book is always better than the film?
Girl: Well that, and you could just close the script and go do something else.
Boy: Yeah, I could go for a fag. How long’s left?
Girl: <Time this in rehearsal and edit this response as appropriate>
Boy: What? This has been dragging. Argh. I don’t know, I’ve seen worse at the Guild.
Girl: *Whistles a Disney tune*
Boy: *Talking as girl whistles* I knew it. Watch This had to throw in a song didn’t they?
The whistling continues
Boy: Why did you do that? You do know we don’t have the rights to that?
Girl: Steph Green is going to get sued to hell.
Boy: Who?
Girl: Ah, don’t worry. She won’t be around for much longer.
Pause
Girl: Steph Green is going to get sued to hell.
Boy: Who?
Girl: Ah, don’t worry. She won’t be around for much longer.
Pause
Girl: Yeah… Are you a third year too?
Boy: Sadly.
Girl: What do you want to after Uni?
Boy: I don’t know. I guess I could become a Politician or a Stand-up Comedian – either way people would laugh at me.
Girl: Ah, no way. I’ll always laugh at you semi-colon close parenthesis. How’s third year going?
Boy: Well yeah, it’s busy. It’s stressful. It’s more than that though. It’s the most fun and work and productive I’ve ever been in my life, I just know that it’s all about to end. There’s what? A month left? Exams are getting closer and closer - like an increasingly inebriated Matt Saull. And then what?
Girl: Well, with Saull I mean, I’d -
Boy: No, after Uni? What is there? I’m a big fish… I’m not even that, I’m a small fish in a small pond. I don’t want to move into an even bigger fuck-off waterfall. There are no jobs. I… I want a …Do you want a cigarette? I gue- I guess like back home, there’s no friends – only kids I liked in high school that have stayed the same and just… I feel like even when I’m relaxing, even at times like this, when I’m having fun – it’s almost like I see a future version of me, a ghostly future <Boy>, in the corner of the room, watching. *Said in ‘old’ or ‘ghostly’ manner* You looked so much happier back then. Look at you… with your clean clothes… With your ‘friends’. Enjoy yourself, while you still can.
Boy: Sadly.
Girl: What do you want to after Uni?
Boy: I don’t know. I guess I could become a Politician or a Stand-up Comedian – either way people would laugh at me.
Girl: Ah, no way. I’ll always laugh at you semi-colon close parenthesis. How’s third year going?
Boy: Well yeah, it’s busy. It’s stressful. It’s more than that though. It’s the most fun and work and productive I’ve ever been in my life, I just know that it’s all about to end. There’s what? A month left? Exams are getting closer and closer - like an increasingly inebriated Matt Saull. And then what?
Girl: Well, with Saull I mean, I’d -
Boy: No, after Uni? What is there? I’m a big fish… I’m not even that, I’m a small fish in a small pond. I don’t want to move into an even bigger fuck-off waterfall. There are no jobs. I… I want a …Do you want a cigarette? I gue- I guess like back home, there’s no friends – only kids I liked in high school that have stayed the same and just… I feel like even when I’m relaxing, even at times like this, when I’m having fun – it’s almost like I see a future version of me, a ghostly future <Boy>, in the corner of the room, watching. *Said in ‘old’ or ‘ghostly’ manner* You looked so much happier back then. Look at you… with your clean clothes… With your ‘friends’. Enjoy yourself, while you still can.
Girl: *Doing an impression of ‘Ghost<Boy>’* ‘And stop smoking. Do you want your voice to sound like this?’ I don’t know, you could always try for a Masters? Or PhD?
Boy: Yeah, that’d be wonderful. We could be on a plane, and there might be an emergency with someone deathly ill and the tannoy is all ‘Is there a Doctor on the plane?’ And I say, ‘Yeah, as a Dr. of Political Science I can normatively claim that such disease stems plays directly from the capitalist system -’
Girl: - Shhhhh! I think we should start paying attention to the play. I think it’s about to end.
Pause – They shuffle and wait alert and wide-eyed.
Boy: Yeah, that’d be wonderful. We could be on a plane, and there might be an emergency with someone deathly ill and the tannoy is all ‘Is there a Doctor on the plane?’ And I say, ‘Yeah, as a Dr. of Political Science I can normatively claim that such disease stems plays directly from the capitalist system -’
Girl: - Shhhhh! I think we should start paying attention to the play. I think it’s about to end.
Pause – They shuffle and wait alert and wide-eyed.
Girl: I guess not.
Boy: Do you feel like you’ve wasted fifteen minutes of your life?
Girl: Nah… It’s been good talking to you. Usually with student theatre I just… I’ve supported something at least. Something that does kind of approach actual art.
Boy Laughs
Girl: I know yeah, give me a second to explain. It is really cool to see all this, just – done. It’s a miracle any of it comes together at all. Like this, I have two favourite genres of music. Firstly I love hearing children sing on the bus, and secondly, I adore shitty acoustic guitar covers of pop songs on YouTube. Really! So much emotion, so much effort goes into making those videos, and for what? Zero financial gain. It’s a pure attempt to create something or do or experience something that didn’t exist before. Not to say any performance like this is like, bad. Just a labour of love that is lovely to see.
Boy: Quality’s a bonus?
Girl: Yeah! But it has been fun.
Pause
Girl: Ah, it’s finishing!
Boy: Finally!
Both applaud and cheer
Boy: Finally!
Both applaud and cheer
Boy: Nah, it was cool. Erm… Now I know you’re character has a boyfriend, do you?
Girl laughs. They take their coats and empty glasses, and leave the stage while saying:
Boy: So what did you think of that?
Girl: Well, the female lead was excellent, but to be honest, I’m surprised their wasn’t more applause at the end…
Girl laughs. They take their coats and empty glasses, and leave the stage while saying:
Boy: So what did you think of that?
Girl: Well, the female lead was excellent, but to be honest, I’m surprised their wasn’t more applause at the end…
Following the exit, throughout the rest of the night, it is imperative that Boy and Girl excessively congratulate everyone in the audience on their excellent performance. Especially the people who were specifically pointed out in negative terms.
_____________________________________
*That’s equal gender representation. Take that Guild Drama.
** I suggest they either sit onstage watching the audience, or sit within the audience and focus upon an empty stage. The latter is more irritating and hence I find it more satisfying.
*** < + > = Should be altered post-casting/mid-performance
_____________________________________
*** < + > = Should be altered post-casting/mid-performance
_____________________________________
Notes
- All directions are optional - I fully entrust the Director(s) will have a better understanding of how theatre works than I do. Lines can be switched.
- The Boy and Girl should refer to each other by their ‘real’ names. Alcohol should be drunk throughout. Also, they’ll likely be facing forward, or down a lot.
- All directions are optional - I fully entrust the Director(s) will have a better understanding of how theatre works than I do. Lines can be switched.
- The Boy and Girl should refer to each other by their ‘real’ names. Alcohol should be drunk throughout. Also, they’ll likely be facing forward, or down a lot.
- Eye contact should be uncommon, perhaps even uncomfortable. The focus isn’t upon each other - it’s on the ‘audience.’
- Ideally, the two performers will be keen improvisers. If something happens in a room - a sneeze, a glass drop, a yawn or someone leaving etc. it is imperative that it is commented upon – as well as general comments upon the room, each other’s (and the audiences) appearance etc. I’d be happy to write ‘stock’ versions of these kind of responses / comments upon how the audience changes and reacts…
- Ideally, the two performers will be keen improvisers. If something happens in a room - a sneeze, a glass drop, a yawn or someone leaving etc. it is imperative that it is commented upon – as well as general comments upon the room, each other’s (and the audiences) appearance etc. I’d be happy to write ‘stock’ versions of these kind of responses / comments upon how the audience changes and reacts…
- Furthermore, the ‘pauses’ might work best as being sizeable – even up to ten, twenty seconds long in order for the ‘audience’ to provide the actor’s with something to comment upon.
- It is important to note that this script isn’t finished - speech should be naturalized, with unnatural breaks, stutters, laughs etc.
- It is important to note that this script isn’t finished - speech should be naturalized, with unnatural breaks, stutters, laughs etc.
